Humpy Wheeler, Innovator!    October 11, 2007 Mickey Mills – SCR   Howard Augustine "Humpy" Wheeler, Jr. is the President and General Manager of Lowe’s Motor Speedway (LMS). I like to think of him as the P.T. Barnum of NASCAR. Through the years he’s taken entertaining the fans to a new level.    I remember seeing the Joey Chitwood show one year along the tri-oval kicking off pre-race festivities. And, how about that giant mechanical dinosaur eating cars and blowing flames out its snout along pit road. Does it get any better than that?    Through the years, Mr. Wheeler has brought in Dancing Bears, Trained Elephants, and Marching Bands, all in the name of entertaining the paying customers. In his eyes, bigger is better!   His latest innovation… the All-You-Can-Eat Grandstand: All the hot dogs, hamburgers, peanuts, popcorn, chips, Coca-Cola soft drinks and water you can eat and drink will be included with the price of your race ticket! In an age where a trip to the concession stand requires a net worth rivaling Bill Gates, this is an idea whose time has come.

Here you go, Humpy. How about some of these ideas for future events?   The All-You-Can-Shovel Grandstand: This is an improvement on the All-You-Can-Eat Grandstand. Instead of Hot Dogs and Chips, a smorgasbord of meats and veggies is laid out on large tables. We are talking real food; brats and burgers, meat loaf and mashed potatoes, steak and more steak. A feast of protein and carbs fit for the discriminating race fan. The fan credited with eating the most during the race is given the opportunity to compete in a future Major League Eating event complete with yet-to-be-determined corporate sponsorship.   The All-You-Can-Stomach Grandstand: This is where the fan is subjected to hours of video of drivers whining about NASCAR penalties and on track incidents that was probably a direct retaliation for perceived transgressions in some previous race. No drivers were harmed in the making of these videos.    The All-You-Can-Be Grandstand: All the seating is removed and military drill sergeants put race fans through a grueling regime of military exercises throughout the race. The last fan standing is hired as the catch can man for the Army car.   The Biggest Loser Grandstand: Instead of seats, each fan has a treadmill. Prior to the race everybody weighs in. The person who has lost the most weight when the checkered flag falls will win free tickets to the All-You-Can-Eat Grandstand for the next race.

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The Survivor Grandstand: Fans are required to participate in short and silly competitions during the course of the race. Cameras capture their every move and are shown on the great big infield video screen. Every ten lap’s fans vote on which of the survivors are voted off the grandstand. The last remaining survivor gets to rewrite the NASCAR rulebook. (Somebody needs to do it!)   The NASCAR Rulebook Grandstand: Upon entering the grandstand, each fan is given a NASCAR rulebook. During the course of the race, they are required to form committees, study the book, decipher inconsistencies, identify inaccuracies, and submit recommended changes.    Actually, this last one probably wouldn’t work. I mean, it’s only a 500 mile race.   Cue the giant dinosaur!   Questions, Comments; Email Mickey    The views and opinions in this article are that of the writer(s) and not necessarily that of SCR

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2006 StockCar Review.

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